


Giving up?

by 5SOS1DLLAMA (SterekAndMarvelPhan)



Category: teen wolf - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol, Guns, Happy Ending?, I really don't know, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Pills, Poetry, Self harm?, There is an attempt though, Werefox Stiles, maybe not, self hate, sterek, suicide?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-21 23:33:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3707487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SterekAndMarvelPhan/pseuds/5SOS1DLLAMA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles is done. He's done with Scott's crap. He's done with Isaac stealing Scott. He's done with being useless. He's done with being a nuisance to his father. He's done being an annoying burden to the pack (but mostly to Derek). He's done with living. Or so he thinks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Letter to Derek… Last night?

The rain is falling, pouring,  
Cold like tiny knives of ice.  
The wind is howling, roaring,  
Grip tightening like a vice.

You're just standing there, still, staring,  
Your scowl scaring me to the bone.  
Yet my heart to you I'm baring,  
And I've never felt so alone.

At you I'm yelling, loudly,  
Though I really want to run.  
Yet my mind I speak, proudly,  
As I know this must be done.

Why do you never show your smiles?  
Your frown permanently in place.  
For one I'd run a thousand miles,  
As it causes my heart to race.

Do you not know how much I need you?  
Don't you see that my life you have saved?  
Do you not see how much I love you?  
How, for you my heart has been enslaved? 

Derek, you are my everything,  
You are what keeps me slightly sane.  
Pulling my heart to you with string,  
As I'm standing here in the rain!

You have no idea what I'm thinking,  
Yelling about your willingness to die.  
All the while my heart is quickly sinking,  
With me just wanting to break down and cry!

I guess this might be my last goodbye so… Goodbye.

 

Sincerely Stiles;  
A love struck, broken boy  
with no hope and no  
chance with the man he  
loves.

P.S. I know you probably won't even read any of this, you'll probably just rip it to shreds with your claws and bake it in your little 'wolf oven as soon as you catch my scent on it, but I just had to say it one last time… I love you more than anything in this universe. (Even curly fries.)

 

 

As I finish writing my letter to Derek I fold it up and place it in the envelope with the tears racing from my eyes, down my cheeks and onto the paper. 

I'm not dying tonight, but tomorrow I am. I just have to see Scotty one last time, even though he probably won't even acknowledge my existence, to wrapped up in loving Isaac from afar. But I have to see him, even though he won't even know what's about to happen. No one knows of the vodka under my bed; no one knows that the sleeping pills used for my nightmares are what's gonna help me in another way…

No one knows of the gun I borrowed from my father, hiding locked up in a box in a bag under all the clothes in my closet.

No one knows tomorrow will be my last day.


	2. Nightmares and trigger warnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles remembers his nightmare. Trigger warning.

I sat up, screaming. I didn’t know where I was or what had happened but when I looked around I realized that I was in my room and that it was around three in the morning. I don’t know why I still get surprised and confused as this has been happening every night for the last two months. The nightmares never stop and they never get easier.

I get up out of bed and look out the window to see if my father has gotten home yet but the cruiser isn’t in the driveway so I figure he that he must still be at the station. That makes what I’m about to do a lot easier as I won’t have to stay quiet. I walk to my bookshelf and look on the third shelf from the bottom. I keep my blades there so that no one will find them. Everyone knows not to touch my books so I don’t have to worry about that. 

I grab my blades and walk into the bathroom connected to my room. I know that no one is home but if I do it in my room and my dad gets home early he’ll come in to see if I’m still awake, in which case I’ll be caught and get in trouble. So I always make sure that I go to the bathroom when I get the urge. You never know when someone might pop in to say hi. 

Once in the bathroom I shut and lock the door, turn on the small lamp that I keep in there under the guise of not wanting to turn the huge light on and hurt my eyes in the middle of the night. I roll up my sleeves and try to recall the dream. This gets easier and easier to do every night. It starts off with me in the woods, like that first night that everything started. Only this time, instead of being human I’m a fox. Soon after it starts I begin walking towards a house. It’s a really large place with lots of sounds and smells coming from inside. I walk up to the door and start pawing at it until they let me in. I don’t know why they do but I think it has something to do with the fact that they all smell like wolves. When I walk in I see a woman holding a child of about five or six years old. When he sees me he starts to wiggle around in the woman’s arms until she finally lets go. As he walks towards me I hear the woman say to ‘Be careful Stiles’ but the other woman tells her that it’s okay, that I’m safe. 

So then I’m playing with child who has a very familiar name though I don’t know why. I don’t know any animals with names. I don’t even have a name. Not in the dream anyway. As we’re playing I hear the two women talking. I don’t understand much but I hear most of what they’re saying. It has to do with the child, which I know in my waking state is me when I was younger. The strange woman is asking if she’ll be okay. The mom, my mom, says that she has another few years left. The woman, Talia, asks if she needs any help, know that it was hard on the human mother to have a were fox as a child and that it’s slowly killing her. This is when I realize that, no matter what anybody says, it really is my fault that she died. When I realize this the dream changes. Sometimes I wake up and sometimes it goes on. Tonight, the dream continued. 

I was all of a sudden outside the sheriff station, still as a fox, though I’m older now. I can understand what they’re saying now. I see my father talking to some of his deputies. I would have been about fourteen or fifteen years old at the time. I hear one of them, I think his name is Alex, ask about me. My father replies that it’s hard on him. He knows he loves me, but he has a hard time taking care of me without Claudia around to help. He starts to talk about all the trouble I was getting into at school and how much the Adderall costs and that he needs to start taking extra shifts in order to pay for that and food and clothes. When I hear this I understand that I’m nothing but a burden on my father, and when I wake up, that understanding just makes my decision a hell of a lot easier. 

I come out of my thoughts and look down at my arm. It’s covered in red and has about ten more new lines on each one. I clean my arm up and wrap it in gauze. I pick everything up and shut the light off. I walk back into my room and look out the window, basking in the breeze. This might be my last time feeling it. Dads still not home. I crawl into bed and try to go back to sleep. 

I’ll be gone tomorrow anyway. 

 

**********************************************************************************************************************************************

 

 

What I didn’t realize at the time was that the window wasn’t open before I went to the bathroom. I didn’t see the red eyes staring at me and I forgot to clean the smell out of the bathroom. Anyone with a really good sense of smell would know what I was doing in there before I came back to bed. And someone did know, I just didn’t know that they knew. I also wasn’t prepared for what was to come the next day. I was about to face a lot of decisions and deal with a lot of crying. I was going to have to lie my ass of in order to not hurt the people I love and who loved me. Though I didn’t know there was anyone who did love me enough to keep me around.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dad's not here, Scott chooses Isaac and Stiles chooses... well, you'll see what he chooses.

The next morning I wake up to dad knocking on my door. “Stiles? Son, it’s time to wake up. You’re going to be late!” I look over to my clock and see that it’s twenty after eight and I only have twenty-five minutes until school starts. 

“Okay dad, I’m up, I’ll be down in a few minutes for breakfast.”

“Actually, I have to be back at the station in a few minutes, Parrish called in sick and they don’t have enough people. I should be back before you go to bed.”  
When he says this, a knot starts to grow in my stomach. I won’t be going to bed tonight, and I won’t be seeing him again. I thought that I would at least be able to see him one last time, but I guess not. 

“Okay dad. Love you, and stay safe.”

“Okay son. Love you too. See you tonight.” Then he walks down the stairs, goes out the door and heads to the station.

 

Twenty minutes later I’m still lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. I finally start to notice the dizzy and nauseous feelings and realise that I probably overdid it last night. I probably shouldn’t go to school so I decide that I’ll just stay home. 

I call Scott to see if maybe he can ditch and come over. 

“Hey, Scott?”

“What’s up, Stiles?”

“I was just wondering if you could come over. I haven’t seen you in a while and I’m not feeling good, so I thought that we could hang out.”

“Sorry Stiles. I already promised Isaac that I would spend the day with him. Maybe we can hang out tomorrow?”

“Sure, sorry to have bothered you. Tell Isaac I said hi, and have a good day.”

“No problem, I will. See you tomorrow.” And he hangs up. I guess I won’t be seeing anyone today, so I decide that I’ll just go back to sleep.

 

I wake up two hours later to my stomach growling, so I get up and go downstairs. I look around to see if we have anything to eat and decide to make a sandwich. Once I’m dome eating I go back up to my room and lock my door. I sit on the floor and reach under my bed. What I pull out is a box with all my stuff. I look in and think about my choice. Should I pick the peaceful way, or should I pick the quick way.

I think it over and decide that I want to go with the vodka and pills, so I take them out of the box, leaving the gun and put it back under the bed. I get up, change into my most comfortable pyjamas and sit on the bed. I take a swig of the vodka first, before I take a handful of pills and another drink. I repeat this process until all of the pills are gone. Once I have taken all of the pills and finished the bottle, I lay them on the floor and get under the blankets, shutting my eyes and waiting.

My last thoughts before I fall asleep are I love you, dad, Scott and Derek. I’ll be with mom soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologise about the cliffhanger. I was gonna write more in this chapter but i just felt like this was a good place to stop. Don't worry though, this isn't the end. I plan on making this a lot longer. Also, I'm very sorry for the long wait. I've been going through a lot and it's been a very hard time for me, but I should be able to update faster now. We'll see.


	4. Sheriff John Stilinski & Alpha Derek Hale

When the sheriff leaves the house for work that day he has a bad feeling in his gut. He doesn't know why, but he feels like something bad is going to happen. 

Work is slow for once. No supernatural or human monsters running around, no calls except for a cat stuck in a tree and a child using the phone for the first time, and this confuses John. He still has a horrible feeling deep inside but nothing has happened, no one has called and his shift ends in fifteen minutes.

John has just finished filling out the report for the misdial when one of his deputy's comes up to him with the phone. "The caller says he needs you immediately Sheriff, says his name is Derek and that it is a matter of life or death." She tells him. 

John takes the phone and walks into his office, his stomach twisting into knots. "Is it another werewolf or hunter?" He asks.

"No Sheriff, it's Stiles. He isn't breathing and he smells like medicine and alcohol." At this the sheriff drops the phone and runs to his cruiser, yelling at his deputies to call the ambulance and send them to his house. You could see the tears running down his face as he drove off.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Derek had been feeling horrible since he had seen Stiles in his room that night and smelled the blood. He had decided that he was going to keep watch over the boy for a while and decide how he was going to help. He had slept in the woods behind the Stilinski household that night, so that if Stiles tried to cut again, he could be there to stop it.

The next morning he woke up earlier than usual, listening to see if Stiles was still asleep. He was but he could also hear the sheriff up and about, getting ready to go into work. Before he left, he woke Stiles up to go to school, so Derek decided to go out for a run and check on Isaac for a few hours, since he was sick.

When Derek got back to the loft an hour and a half later, he walked in and went up to Isaac's room, hearing Scott there too. "Isaac, I thought you said you were sick. Why is Scott here?" He asks.

"Well, I was feeling bored and since he can't get sick I asked him to come entertain me." He replies.

"Whatever. I'm going to take a shower and them I'm going to head back out." I say as I walk up the spiral staircase.

Thirty minutes later I walk out of the bathroom to hear Scott answer his phone. I listen to his conversation and get really worried. 'Stiles was supposed to be in school, that's why I wasn't there. Shit, this is bad.' Derek thinks to himself. He runs all the way to Stiles' house and bursts into his room. He nearly roars at the sight of Stiles laying in his bed, with no breath to be heard. He calls the sheriff, runs out to the forest and howls with all his might before going back to the house, just in time to see Stiles on a gurney in the back of an ambulance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that this is good. I didn't want to get to Stiles quite yet so I wrote this. I was wondering if anyone would like to be a beta reader for this story. If so, just email me at willow.hill@hotmail.com.


	5. Scott and Isaac

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still no Stiles, but I promise that will be in the next chapter. Enjoy! Or not, considering...

Scott was just sitting with Isaac in his room when they hear Derek run out of the loft. They don’t think much of it at the time so they just go back to talking. 

“Thanks for staying here instead of going to Stiles. I really feel like we need to hang out more.” Isaac tells Scott with a slight blush on his cheeks. 

“No problem, Isaac. Stiles sees me everyday in class, he can wait until tomorrow. It’s not the end of the world. And besides, you did ask me first.” Scott replies.

“True. But, did you notice how weird Stiles sounded on the phone? He sounded desperate.” Isaac says.

“He always sounds weird, Isaac, he’s Stiles. He didn’t sound like he was in any trouble, just a bit sick. I’m not worried. If it was anything important he would have said something.” Scott replies.

“Would he, though? This is Stiles we’re talking about. He doesn’t like to talk about what’s bothering him. He could be dying, but he still wouldn’t say anything if he thought it would be a hindrance on anyone.” Isaac points out.

“Well it’s a good thing he didn’t sound like he was dying over the phone. Now, let’s stop talking about Stiles and talk about something else.” As Scott says this, they hear the roar of their alpha and run to find him. What they find is an alpha in despair, looking like his entire world is falling apart. 

Scott moves like he wants to approach Derek, but Isaac stops him by grabbing his hand. Scott looks back at him and opens his mouth, but Isaac just shakes his head and motions for Scott to stay quiet. So the two boys just stand and watch their alpha, wondering what has him looking so broken. 

When Derek starts to run, they follow him discreetly, trying to figure out where they are heading. When they arrive, Scott feels like throwing up and Isaac has to bite his tongue to stop himself from crying out in despair. What they see in front of them is Stiles, on a gurney, but that isn’t the worst part. No, that would be how quiet the boy’s heart is and how slow his breathing is. 

Isaac can’t hold back much longer and he turns to Scott and cries. He cries and cries, feeling like everything around him has fallen apart. But Scott. Scott stands there frozen with Isaac in his arms, unable to move. The only thought in his mind as he smells the sleeping medication that he thought Stiles had stopped taking and the alcohol, is that he could have stopped this. He could have saved his best friend, his brother. 

‘This is all my fault.’ Scott thinks as he watches the ambulance pull out of the yard with Stiles in the back of it, fighting for his life.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry...
> 
> Every time there are a series of beeps, that is a time skip, so a couple of hours or even days may pass between each series.

Beeeep… beeeep… beeeep… beeeep… 

‘What the hell? That sound is so annoying! Wait, is that a heart monitor? My heart monitor? What’s going on? Why is it so slow? I don’t understand.’ 

Beeeep… beeeep… beeeep… beeeep…

‘Wait a second. Why am I hearing that? I’m supposed to be dead. There should be no heart to monitor at all.’ I think. ‘Why do I have to screw everything up? I mean, I can’t even kill myself properly. How stupid do you have to be to fail at that?’

Beeeep… beeeep… beeeep… beeeep… 

“Please wake up…”

“You can’t die on us now…”

“After everything we’ve been through, and this is how you choose to end it…?”

“I can’t believe that I wasn’t there for you…”

We’re supposed to be brothers and I abandoned you…”

“I’m so sorry…”

“I’m so sorry…”

“I’m so sorry…”

“I’m…”

“So…”

“Sorry…”

Beeeeeep… beeeeeep… beeeeeep… beeeeeep… 

‘I don’t understand. Who’s talking? Why are they sorry? I’m the screw up, not them. I should be the one that’s sorry. Wait, was that… was that Scott? And my dad? Wait! I need to apologize! I’m so sorry! Please forgive me!’

Beeeeeep… beeeep… beeep… beep… beep beep beep beepbeepbeepbeep…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry guys...


	7. Panic and Surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Panic and Surprises

As Scott and the Sheriff are sitting beside the hospital bed, Scott sleeping and John being too scared to sleep, they are startled by the beeping of Stiles’ monitor, as it had been going at the same rhythm for the last two months. Now though? Now it was speeding up, as if Stiles’ heart were racing. 

 

John: 

I’m sitting right beside Stiles, waiting for him to wake up, but as the days turn to weeks and the weeks turn to months, it just seems less and less likely that he’ll survive. His heart rate has been going at the same slow pace every day for the last two months, with no signs of changing until last week when it slowed even more, to the point where you would start to think that it has stopped completely between each beep. 

I raise my head up to check on Scott, who hasn’t left the hospital since he got here. When I look over, I notice that he is sound asleep, finally getting the rest that he needs. Looking at him, I can’t help but feel bad for the teen. I know he said that he feels like he had abandoned Stiles, and that makes me slightly angry at him, but I realised that he isn’t the only one who wasn’t there for Stiles. I know that I am to blame, I know that I wasn’t there for him, too frustrated with all of the lies and secrets, so I started taking all the shifts that I could, thinking that I wouldn’t be as frustrated with him if I wasn’t there for him to lie to. Instead, I ended up leaving him all alone, with nobody to notice what he was going through. 

As I’m sitting there, thinking about where I went wrong and telling the comatose Stiles how sorry I am, I am startled by a beeping sound that keeps getting faster and faster. I look over at the heart monitor and notice that Stiles’ heart is racing. I turn to face Stiles and see Scott startle awake and do the same thing. The look on Stiles’ face is changing for the first time since he got here, but instead of just waking up, he seems to have a panicky look on his face. At this, I realise that he’s waking up in the midst of a panic attack.

I reach out my hand to place on his arm to try and soothe him, which results in him waking up and flinching. But as soon as his eyes open, I get the fright of my life. They are a bright fiery reddish orange. But that isn’t the strangest part. No, that would be the reddish hair that is rapidly covering his body as it seems to completely change shape. I’m severely confused and look away for a second, but when I look back, I no longer see my son. Instead, in his place I see a small, red fox kit. I let out a small squeak in fear, which only seems to startle the already frightened kit, and he jumps off the bed and runs out the door. I go to look at Scott to see if he has any idea as to what is going on, but all I see is confusion mixed with surprise before he leaps up to follow the kit, leaving me here alone and more confused than I have ever been in my life.

 

 

Scott:

When I wake up to the sound of Stiles’ monitor speeding up, I immediately look at him, but all I see is distress and panic on his face. I look to John to see his reaction in time to watch him place his hand on Stiles’ arm, only to watch Stiles flinch and jerk awake, finally opening his eyes. I start to feel relieved at the sight of him finally regaining consciousness, but that slowly turns to a feeling of confusion and fear when I see his eyes open, and, instead of his honey amber eyes, I see a bright colour, closely resembling a fire. But then red hair starts to cover his entire body, and, unable to tear my eyes away like the Sheriff, I watch in terrified amazement as my best friend and brother changes into a small fox kit. At first, I can’t believe my eyes, thinking that I am still dreaming, but when I take a deep breath, I can smell magic, fox, panic and fear. But under all of that, I smell Stiles, scent as strong as ever. 

I go to reach for him when I hear the Sheriff let out a high-pitched sound, which must scare fox Stiles as he jumps off the bed and runs out. I stay seated for a few seconds, still confused, but then I run out after him. I can’t let anything else happen to him, not when we just got him back after two months. So, I follow him to see where he goes, but because of his small size, and my reluctance to follow too fast as I don’t want to reveal the supernatural, I end up losing sight of him. And he must have known that I was in pursuit, as I can smell him everywhere, likely due to him running around to distribute his smell so that I wouldn’t be able to track him. It seems that he is just as smart in his fox form as he was when he was human.

I go to call Derek to tell him what happened and ask for his help, even though we haven’t seen or heard from him since that day in the Stilinski driveway when he howled. But, unsurprisingly, all I get is his voicemail, so I leave a message.

“Hey, Derek, no time to explain, but Stiles has woken up and we need to find him. He just ran off and I lost sight of him. Please call me back, we need you.” When I hang up, I put my phone back in my pocket and run the rest of the way to Isaac’s to get his help.


	8. Chapter 8

**_ Stiles: _ **

**__ **

I don’t know where I’m going, and I don’t really understand what’s going on. I remember waking up in the hospital feeling panicked, but then I started to feel weird, and next thing I know, I’m about the fifth of my usual size and I’m on all fours, running for my life. I don’t even remember deciding to run, just that I had this feeling of fear and instinct. I remember Scott following me for a while, but I used my speed to lose him and then I ran around so that he couldn’t track my scent. I don’t know why, but I do know that I just don’t want to be around him.

 

When I come out of my thoughts, I look around only to realize that I’m in the preserve, but more specifically, I’m by the shell of what was the old Hale house, but is now the shell of a new structure. This confuses me, but I’m too tired to question what’s going on. I don’t know why I came here, but I do feel a new sense of calm and safety, so I decide to walk through the archway where the door will likely go and try to find a place to hide. I look around and notice all of the boxes that are still littering the ground, and I decide to hide there. I first look around to see if there is anything soft, and find a blanket that is used to protect furniture and grab it between my teeth to take to my new den. I place it down inside and crawl in, preparing myself for a long wait. After about twenty minutes of lying there, I fall asleep.

 

 

 

**_ Derek (Two months earlier): _ **

**__ **

What have we done, no, what have _I_ done? This is all my fault. I can’t believe what I have led Stiles to. I should have been there for him. I shouldn’t have bullied him, or pushed him into walls and steering wheels, and I definitely shouldn’t have left him alone this morning. But I was stupid. I didn’t know how to show him that I respected him, and wanted to be his Alpha and his friend. Instead, I was stupid and I pushed him away. I don’t deserve to live whilst he dies. I know that I can’t die, as my pack needs a leader, and even if I may suck, there are worst alphas out there than me.

 

It’s at this point that I realize that, no, there can’t be worst alphas than me, as I literally allowed my pack mate to feel so unloved and uncared for, that he couldn’t even live anymore. I need to leave, at least until I can learn to be better, become stronger, and be the best alpha possible. I may be to late to save you, Stiles, but I promise that I will never allow anyone else in our pack to feel as you did. I swear on my life.

 

 

**_ (Now) _ **

**__ **

It’s been two months. I’ve been in an old family cabin in the woods, just at the edge of my territory for that time. Training my body to be stronger, meditating, so that I can be more attuned to the people around me and their emotions, and reading all the books about being an alpha, but most importantly, I had decided to tear down my old house, or what used to be my house, and rebuild it into not only my place, but a place for the entire pack, and their families to stay if needed and when they simply want to. It will be bigger than the original house, with more than enough rooms and bathrooms, a huge kitchen as an homage to Stiles, as I know that he used to love cooking and baking, and an enormous library, a pool, a mini home theater, and a large, but cozy family room. I know it may not be perfect, and that it will never be a real home without Stiles, but it’s the best that I can do. Though I only have the skeleton of the house done so far.

 

I decide to go there now, walking in and looking at what I have so far. I haven’t told the pack yet, actually, I haven’t talked to any of them at all since Stiles landed in the hospital, unable to bring myself to come to terms with the fact that Stiles may die, or that he may be dead now. As I’m walking through the area, I hear a very fast paced heartbeat, immediately putting me on guard at first, as no one should be here, but as I listen closer, the pace is closer to that of an animal than a human, causing me to relax.

 

I walk around, trying to find the source of the sound, when I stumble upon a box that seems to be emitting the quick beat. I peer inside to see a small red fox, a kit, really. I take a deep breath in as the kit opens its eyes, noticing a golden whiskey colour, before it changes to a fiery red colour. When I breath in, it smells extremely familiar. That, mixed with the eyes, I gasp in surprise and confusion.

 

_“Stiles?!”_

**__ **

 


End file.
